I Shall Believe
by twstofate
Summary: Sequel to "Voices Carry". A month after Jeff agreed to give some effort to his relationship with Trish, how are things faring?


*** Guess what (I know this is a shocker)? I don't own the WWF or any of it's wrestlers (but I think Jeff Hardy would be a happier person if I owned him ;-)). And (unfortunately) I don't make any money off of these creations of the imagination (but hey, if the WWF decides they need a creative assistant to determine the direction of storylines I would be happy to work for them.  
  
Now, can I be serious for a minute? (I really hate Lance Storm.) This is a follow-up to "Voices Carry" and I actually think you might want to read that one before you read this one. It starts about a month after when "Voices Carry" left off, so I guess it's late August 2001. The song I use for this story is "I Shall Believe" by Sheryl Crow. Enjoy and please review. ***  
  
*** Jeff Hardy's POV ***  
  
// Come to me now,  
Lay your hands over me. //  
  
"Trish?" I called into the darkness. She wasn't next to me. She was always cuddled up next to me when I woke up in the middle of the night. I swung my legs over the side of the bed and walked toward the balcony. She always went to the balcony when something was bugging her.  
  
I have no idea what could be bugging her now. It seems like every day it's something else. We are in the process of getting Matt and Lita to accept our relationship. Trish wants to tell them we've been involved since May. I'm not so sure that's a great idea.  
  
I stepped onto the balcony. She was standing against the railing. Her hair was lifted slightly by the breeze and she was outlined by the moon. It was breath taking. She has one of the best bodies I've ever seen. I walked quietly behind her and wrapped my arms around her waist. She leaned back into me.  
  
I've never been comforted be holding someone in my arms. I feel so strange when I hold Trish. I don't know what the feeling is. Maybe it has something to do with the inevitability of our pairing. Maybe it's because I know she loves me and that feels so good. Maybe I'll never know what the feeling is.  
  
// Even if it's a lie  
Say it will be alright. //  
  
"What's wrong baby?" I asked, whispering into her ear.  
  
"Nothing," she said. Her voice was soft but I could hear that she was lying.  
  
But did I really want the truth? Did I want to hear that she wanted me to love her? Did I want to hear that she needed me to say the words?   
  
"You're sure?" I asked, turning her around. "Everything is fine?"  
  
"Yeah Jeff," Trish replied. She lifted to her tiptoes and kissed me lightly.  
  
// And I will believe. //  
  
It's easier to say nothing. I can't lie to Trish. But I can't say I love her either. At least I don't think I'm in love with her. She's important to me. I love being around her. But in love?  
  
I've been in love before. It was horrible. I was always watching the girl, afraid she would realize that I'm nothing special and she deserved more. But I also felt this sense of supreme joy that she did think I was worthy of her. In the end, I broke it off to pursue wrestling. I had heard all of the stories about mat rats and I didn't want to hurt her.  
  
What I felt for Trish, well, it wasn't what I felt for my high school sweetheart. It was deeper in some ways, but I have a feeling that's because I've grown a lot in the past four years. But in other ways, my relationship with Trish was a mystery. We had very little in common and we rarely talked about our past...or the future.  
  
//Broken in two,  
I know you're on to me. //  
  
Two nights later, I stumbled into the hotel room I was sharing with Trish. She looked up from a magazine or newspaper she was reading. She looked kind of blurry. Her eyes seem to narrow and anger seemed to fill her eyes.  
  
"Hey babe," I said, trying to pretend I wasn't three sheets to the wind.  
  
"Hi Trish," Chris Jericho said, peering into the room. "I just wanted to make sure he got back okay."  
  
"Thanks Chris," she said. I didn't hear any anger in her voice. "Congratulations on winning the Championship."  
  
"Thanks," Jericho said before leaving.  
  
Trish got off the bed and came towards me. "How much did you drink?"  
  
"We were celebrating," I told her, ignoring her question.  
  
"I can see that," Trish said flatly. Now she sounded disappointed.  
  
//That I only come home  
When I'm so all alone. //  
  
"We could do a little celebrating of our own," I suggested, pulling her into my arms.  
  
"I only have sex when I know the other person will remember it in the morning," Trish said, turning out of my arms.  
  
"I'm not that drunk," I said.   
  
"You smell like you are," Trish said. She walked back to the bed and turned off the light. "Why do you drink so much Jeff?"  
  
"Because I do," I replied. I threw myself onto the bed.  
  
"That's a great reason," Trish replied.  
  
"I'm a grown up now Trish," I said, starting to get angry. "When I need permission to drink, I'll go ask my dad or Matt."  
  
"You could have fooled me," Trish muttered.  
  
//But I do believe.  
That not everything is gonna be the way  
You think it ought to be //  
  
Trish thought I drank because of her. I didn't have this epiphany while I was trying to stop the dizzy feeling, but I woke up in the middle of the night, a little more coherent, and I replayed our conversation in my head. This time I realized she had sounded hurt.  
  
I don't drink because of Trish. I've been drinking heavily for about two years. I guess it's kind of habit. I'm pretty certain it's not an addiction. I won't definitely say I'm not an alcoholic because I don't want to hear all that denial bullshit. Yeah, I drink a lot. It's probably not good for me, but that's the way it is.  
  
I drink because there's no other way that I can forget that I'm the younger Hardy Boy. All my life people have asked me why I couldn't be more like Matt. Matt was always so responsible and friendly. But I was forgetful, brooding, and sulky. Everyone let me know that Matt was their favorite. And in the WWF, no matter what I do, Matt finds a way to top it.  
  
Take him kissing Lita. I was just starting to really take off. I was only a month or two away from getting the light heavyweight title, but it was already clear that I could be a good singles wrestler. He kissed Lita so he could grab the spotlight back. He and Lita don't love each other. They have a lot of fun together, but they're both obsessed with the spotlight.  
  
// It seems like every time I try to make it right  
It all comes down on me. //  
  
I pulled Trish against me and held her close. Her body molded itself to me as if on instinct. I never expected to feel anything for Trish. I was like everyone else in the Federation who saw Trish as a slut and manipulative. When I truly got to know her I realized it was a front. Inside, she's vulnerable, but she wants everyone to believe she doesn't care about anyone but herself.  
  
I made the first move in our relationship. I admit I was trying to get over Lita and kissing a person she hated seemed like a good idea at the time. But I expected Trish to become an aggressive, sexually assertive woman. But she held back. She let me be the aggressor.  
  
I don't know when Trish got to be important to me. I didn't even know it had happened until she had given me the ultimatum. Until she asked me to try a little bit harder. And she deserves that. She deserves someone who can love her with their whole heart too. I'm not too sure that person can be me.  
  
//Please say honestly you won't give up on me  
And I shall believe.  
I shall believe. //  
  
I was sitting at the bar in New York City. Trish and Lita were becoming pretty good friends and they were having a girl's night out. What is with girls and their nights out? I don't understand that at all. And what do they do anyways? Paint their nails? Gossip? Drink? Women are impossible.  
  
Anyways, I was sitting at a bar, drinking a beer. Some guy next to me was talking to his bartender about his wife. Apparently the bartender and this guy were pretty good friends. That's another thing, I would never reveal my life story to some person on the street or in the bar. I really don't understand people like that.  
  
There is a point to this interlude in the bar. The guy was really in love with his girl. I saw a picture...she wasn't so hot. But to hear this guy talk, you would think she was the most beautiful thing since Marilyn Monroe. And being with her made him feel safe. He was so sure he could love her better than anyone on this planet.  
  
I don't know why I even listened to the guy. Normally I just tune out people around me. But I listened to this guy talk about his connection with this girl of his. It made me feel empty. And I wanted to fill that emptiness. It was kind of like something had been missing from my life all along and I didn't know I was missing it until someone threw it in my face.  
  
// Open the door   
And show me your face tonight //  
  
"What the hell is this?" I asked as I opened my hotel room door. Trish and Lita were packing Trish's stuff into her suitcase.  
  
"I'm leaving," Trish said, pulling a blue cowboy hat onto her head.  
  
"What the hell are you talking about?" I asked.  
  
"It's been a month since we talked and you said you were going to try harder," Trish said. "Lita and I talked about everything and we decided that we were going to start rooming together."  
  
"I've tried harder," I insisted, knowing the only person I was fooling was myself. Obviously I wasn't doing that too well. "Wait a sec! You told her everything?"  
  
"Everything!" Trish exclaimed. "I guess the Hardy boys that all the girls dig are about to find out how it feels to be left on their asses."  
  
I sat on the bed after they left. Lita had left Matt (apparently she did love him) and Trish had left me. That's great luck us Hardy Boys have, huh? Maybe it was a good thing that Trish left. I was definitely sick of not being able to give her what she wanted.   
  
Good riddance. Right?  
  
// I know it's true  
No one heals me like you  
And you hold the key. //  
  
She was in my arms, late at night. I never felt better than when she was in my arms. She was still awake. But I was asleep, or pretending to be asleep.   
  
"I love you," she whispered.  
  
I felt my heart beat a little more quickly. But not with fear this time. I felt warm and happy and...and...complete. I felt that hole inside of me fill with an emotion I had never felt, or I had only imagined I had felt.   
  
"I love you too," I whispered back to her. But she wasn't in my arms. I sat up in my bed and looked around. She wasn't there. I ran to the balcony frantically. Then her announcement that she was leaving me crashed down on me.   
  
Isn't that how it always happens...you don't know what you've got until it's gone. But I won't believe she's gone for good. She loves me. When she hears that I love her too she will come back to me. She will believe me. But what if she doesn't? What the hell am I going to do if she doesn't believe me?  
  
// Never again  
Would I turn away from you. //  
  
"Trish," I pleaded into the phone. "Pick up the damn phone Trish."  
  
She hadn't answered her cell phone or her hotel room phone for days. Five days to be specific. "I just want to talk baby. I miss you."  
  
I hung up the phone. I should probably wait for her to call me. I should wait for her. But I know the longer I wait the harder it's going to be to get her back. But you don't tell a person you love them for the first time over the phone. So I had to talk to her face to face if I was going to stand a chance at getting her back.  
  
Unfortunately, a few people were noting our separation. Torrie Wilson in particular. Has there ever been a bigger slut? The woman fondles her own breasts in national television. It's cool to be in tune with your own body, but she takes it way too far. Anyways, she's been coming onto me a lot lately. And of course there is always, ALWAYS a camera around.  
  
At least Matt is in the same boat as me. Except I think he feels pretty sure that Lita will come back to him, like he doesn't need to make the effort. But like I already told you, Matt doesn't love Lita. Maybe he will learn how lucky he is to have someone who cares so much for him in his life. I hope that he does, and before it's too late to regain it.  
  
// I'm so heavy tonight  
But you love is alright //  
  
"You were right," Matt said, sitting next to me at the bar.  
  
"About what?" I asked, not even drinking the beer in front of me.  
  
"About girls digging us," Matt said. He held a few slips of paper in his hand. "I just walked over to the jukebox and I got three numbers. I might take one of them up on their offer."  
  
"Man, listen to yourself!" I exclaimed. "Lita loves you Matt. How can you talk about sleeping with someone else so soon?"  
  
"She's the one who left me," Matt said. "Maybe it's for the best. I couldn't feel what she wanted me to feel."  
  
"But you haven't even tried to get her back," I said.  
  
"Hey! I would think you, of all people, would realize how lucky we are Trish and Lita walked out on us," Matt said. "Who needs nosy, manipulative bitches in their lives."  
  
"Christ Matt!" I yelled. "Don't talk about Trish like that!"   
  
"Why not?" Matt asked.  
  
"Because I love her you asshole," I said, stalking out on my brother.  
  
// And I do believe  
That not everything is gonna be the way  
You think it ought to be //  
  
There was a light knock on my door the next night. I opened it and nearly fell to my knees in prayer. "Trish!" I exclaimed, pulling her to me.  
  
"Hey Jeff," Trish said, lightly. She sounded friendly, but distant. My heart began to sink. Maybe she wasn't here because she missed me. "Have you seen Matt?"  
  
"Matt?" I asked in shock. "Why the hell do you want to see Matt?"  
  
"Because he was supposed to meet Lita tomorrow and she wanted to cancel," Trish said. "He wasn't answering his phone or his door or anything."  
  
"I'll relay the message if I see him," I said. I knew I sounded cold. Her eyes clouded. I didn't know if she was confused or what.  
  
"You doing okay Jeff?" Trish asked.  
  
// It seems like every time I try to make it right  
It all comes down on me //  
  
"No," I said honestly. "I miss you Trish."  
  
"I miss you too Jeff," Trish said. "We had a lot of fun times."  
  
"No we didn't," I replied. We spent most of our time just together. It wasn't exactly fun. It was great, but not fun.  
  
"Isn't that what you're supposed to say?" Trish asked me.  
  
"I love you," I said.  
  
Her brow creased. "That's nice Jeff. I have to go now."  
  
"What the hell?" I yelled after her. "Isn't that what you wanted?"  
  
"I need more than the words Jeff," Trish said, before turning and walking down the hotel hallway.  
  
// Please say honestly you won't give up on me  
And I shall believe.  
I shall believe. //  
  
I've never been more scared in my life. I am standing in the ring in front of thousands of people, not to mention the millions of people who were watching on TV.  
  
"Trish Stratus, will you please come to the ring?" I asked. Moments later her music hit and she walked quickly to the ring.  
  
"Trish, I love you," I said slowly. "And I wanted to ask you, in front of all of these people, to give me another chance to prove it to you."  
  
I couldn't read her face. But then she smiled. And she nodded. I felt this great wave of relief sweep over me. She believed that I deserved her. I pulled her into my arms and kissed her thoroughly. "I love you so much," I told her. "Never leave me again."  
  
"Okay," Trish agreed. "Matt and Lita were getting pretty sick of me anyways."  
  
"Matt and Lita?" I asked.  
  
"Yeah," Trish said. "We've been trying to get you to admit that you love me for awhile now boy of mine."  
  
"It was a trap?" I asked.  
  
"Not a trap really," Trish said. "I love you too."  
  
I smiled and kissed Trish again.  
  
//I shall believe.  
I shall believe. //  
  
*** Please, please, please review!!! Later! ***  



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